Every time I go through what I feel like is the lowest low I've ever experienced in my walk with God, I, somehow, a few weeks later, come out of it feeling stronger than I've ever been before. And today, it's time to tell you about the latest in the series.
Hope you enjoy the ride. ;) So, where did this latest low start...
The week after summer break started. I was alone, stuck inside my own head with all my faults, insecurities, and twisted thoughts. I kept things bottled up -- I tend to do that, though you wouldn't think it from the state of this blog. ;) See, until resolution comes, I deal with my own thoughts.
Me and God, that is. But this time, the latter wasn't a part of that equation.
In those weeks, I felt like I just kept learning more and more about God's holiness... and more and more of my own depravity. I sunk deep into a self-made prison, all the while screaming for God to help, to pull me up... but... He just, didn't. And I couldn't understand why.
My heart was so heavy, my mind so cluttered, my soul so dark. I felt isolated.
So there I was. At the lowest low, the tipping point, the bend in the river...
And then this weekend, something changed.
First, God spoke to me, taught me something that wasn't condemnation, and I finally felt a slight sense of peace. The turmoil my heart had became numb to lessened, and a piece of my broken spirit clicked into place somehow, somewhere deep within.
Another day, another click.
I slowly loosened my grip on the shriveled bits of self-confidence I had been clutching to so fervently, and let them go. I stepped out in faith in a few, small ways. I truly and fully gave my decimated self to God, and asked him to put me back together the way He wanted -- because, quite honestly, I was at the end of my rope.
Another day, another piece clicked into place.
Not all at once, but bit by bit, the pieces of my true identity in Christ were put in their proper places. Truth was poured into me from all different angles, until one last drop brought my cup to overflowing -- and there they came, coursing down my cheeks: salty drops of hope, joy, life.
With those tears, peace returned to a different me from five weeks ago.
A good different -- the kind of "different" that only comes through struggling and wrestling and crying and holding in there even when nothing "feels right." The kind of "different" that is not for the faint of heart. The kind of "different" that defines those chosen by God.
The kind of different that feels like sore muscles. A good, meaningful kind of hurt.
To (kind of) sum all this up...
These past five weeks have been really, really hard.
I've been a total and absolute mess. God made me come face to face with some hard truths and some dark places. He dragged me through it all -- and He dragged me out the other side stronger than ever. Growing pains? For real. But growing pains are good. And that's why, now,
I'm okay.
Thanks for asking.
How are you?
:)
P.S. This video is just a little thing I created last week with some footage of that thunderstorm I mentioned earlier. Something of a creative outlet, as well as a creative exploration of God in relation to a thunderstorm.
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