12: Making Friends and Influencing People?

I've realized something.

Lately, it hasn't been the sewing, the screenwriting, the costume-creating, that has been dominating my thoughts.  Of course, I've thought about those things a whole lot -- but what's been persistently on my mind is God, and people.  Which is actually awesome, now that I really think about it.

But, it's been tough, see.  It's because I've been lonely.

How could someone be lonely while seeing so many people every day, you ask?  Because of fear, disconnect, rejection... Some days are so much better than others, when I feel connected and alive and happy -- but other days are really, really isolating.  Yeah, well, like today.

Today, I felt isolated.

Isolation hurts my soul, because, yes, I am extroverted.  I'm also guarded, shy, fearful.  So many things swirl inside my head, things that no one ever hears because I "know" they don't care to hear them.  I'm scared of what people will think of me and of how people will respond to me.

I can talk so big, but when the rubber meets the road, I'm a coward.

Nowadays, rarely do I say what I want to say.  Funny things, opinionated things, encouraging things -- just the usual candid conversation.  I feel like I'm just bad at that, though.  I feel like so many things I say are so seriously stupid -- so why would I ever try to say more??

That's my problem.

I care too much about what people think of me, and it's hindering my ability to make friends and influence people.  I know for a fact that I'm cutting myself off more so than others are cutting me off.  And I don't want to, because, truly, I love people so much.

I mean, what's more important than God and humans?

My heart is heavy from college life, and I could use a lift.  My dear family and you dear internet friends are really the only genuine human encouragement I feel these days.  You guys say, even without words, "You're really awesome, you encourage me, I hope I encourage you, and I'm so glad you're in my life."

Thank you so, so much for that.

But at school, I suppose I just gotta keep trusting God, that He'll lead me through the loneliness -- whether that's out, or even further in.  Thank God I don't have to overcome this alone, and that, even if I never do become truly "un-isolated" in college, I've got Him to pull me through.

A theme song for Week 13: