One More Step in the Journey

Every time I go through what I feel like is the lowest low I've ever experienced in my walk with God, I, somehow, a few weeks later, come out of it feeling stronger than I've ever been before. And today, it's time to tell you about the latest in the series.

Hope you enjoy the ride. ;) So, where did this latest low start...

The week after summer break started. I was alone, stuck inside my own head with all my faults, insecurities, and twisted thoughts. I kept things bottled up -- I tend to do that, though you wouldn't think it from the state of this blog. ;) See, until resolution comes, I deal with my own thoughts.

Me and God, that is. But this time, the latter wasn't a part of that equation.

In those weeks, I felt like I just kept learning more and more about God's holiness... and more and more of my own depravity. I sunk deep into a self-made prison, all the while screaming for God to help, to pull me up... but... He just, didn't. And I couldn't understand why.

My heart was so heavy, my mind so cluttered, my soul so dark. I felt isolated.

So there I was. At the lowest low, the tipping point, the bend in the river...

And then this weekend, something changed.

First, God spoke to me, taught me something that wasn't condemnation, and I finally felt a slight sense of peace. The turmoil my heart had became numb to lessened, and a piece of my broken spirit clicked into place somehow, somewhere deep within.

Another day, another click.

I slowly loosened my grip on the shriveled bits of self-confidence I had been clutching to so fervently, and let them go. I stepped out in faith in a few, small ways. I truly and fully gave my decimated self to God, and asked him to put me back together the way He wanted -- because, quite honestly, I was at the end of my rope.

Another day, another piece clicked into place.

Not all at once, but bit by bit, the pieces of my true identity in Christ were put in their proper places. Truth was poured into me from all different angles, until one last drop brought my cup to overflowing -- and there they came, coursing down my cheeks: salty drops of hope, joy, life.

With those tears, peace returned to a different me from five weeks ago.

A good different -- the kind of "different" that only comes through struggling and wrestling and crying and holding in there even when nothing "feels right." The kind of "different" that is not for the faint of heart. The kind of "different" that defines those chosen by God.

The kind of different that feels like sore muscles. A good, meaningful kind of hurt.

To (kind of) sum all this up...

These past five weeks have been really, really hard.

I've been a total and absolute mess. God made me come face to face with some hard truths and some dark places. He dragged me through it all -- and He dragged me out the other side stronger than ever. Growing pains? For real. But growing pains are good. And that's why, now,

I'm okay.

Thanks for asking.

How are you?

:)

P.S. This video is just a little thing I created last week with some footage of that thunderstorm I mentioned earlier. Something of a creative outlet, as well as a creative exploration of God in relation to a thunderstorm.

The Joy and Movie Night of the Fourteenth Week

Friends, I could just cry.

My cup of joy has continued to overflow this week, just as it did last week.  And, again, I have no reason except God.  I mean, for goodness sake, it's the end of the semester!  Final projects and assignments are all coming up next week, finals are the week after and fast approaching -- AND there is absolutely no way I can get it all done, and do well, and not die.  That is, without God.

I think this is a good place to be.

Being physically and mentally unable to do everything that needs to get done, means that you're going to be running on Supernatural Power during that time, if you surrender.  In those moments, you can know that God is working with you, and in you, and through you, because, otherwise, you would fail miserably -- just crash and burn.  And it wouldn't be pretty.

But when God steps in... it all works out, better than you could ever do on your own.

So, that's what I'm holding to right now.  That, and the residual happiness from the movie night I hosted for the wonderful people in my Screenwriting class yesterday.  God laid the idea on my heart, and He brought it to fruition and to success.  He also brought the guests: 10 of my classmates, out of the 30, came -- and even our awesome professor showed up!!

We really had such a great group.

As for what we watched: 2001: A Space Odyssey -- and I haven't the slightest idea of where to start with that.  It was, in all: bizarre, suspenseful, incredible, mesmerizing, confusing, beautiful, and boring as all get out.  And I'm so glad I didn't know that before I picked it for the night -- or else I wouldn't have, and would've missed out on a fabulous experience full of hilarity and craziness. ;)

So, in conclusion to this post, I honestly don't know if it's possible that anyone got more joy out of the little movie night than I did... it was a perfect end to a wonderful (and hectic) week. :)

3-Teen: Joy and Snapshots

I'm swamped for time, so I'll keep this short and sweet.

Thank you for your words of encouragement on last week's post -- in the words of Paul, "I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers."

Since last week, my joy has increased exponentially, and I have no explanation except God.  I've been learning so much about joy as a fruit of the Spirit, and it's been absolutely incredible to be able to bear that fruit in my life so tangibly.  I get teary-eyed just thinking about it.

The weird thing about that is -- everything is pretty much the same, just the usual classes, work, and homework, plus a few get-togethers and lunches and skype calls with various lovely people at school and across the world (lookin' at you, Evie dear, and your human and ibis and duck friends).

I need to wrap this up and finish homework for my personal finance class, but first, an awesome truth about me right now: I'm more spiritually mature than I've ever been before in my entire life.  Never have I felt so close to God, so in-tune to His desires and plans... ah.  My heart is so full.

Well, here's to growing more -- because friend, I am so painfully far from perfect.  But by God's grace, He's working on me and in me, little by little.

this is how I feel on the inside too

avengers band-aids make everything better

parts of the whole

reading scripts and enjoying silence

project WIP for sewing class

part of one of five mobcaps I made at work

alone and yet not lonely

12: Making Friends and Influencing People?

I've realized something.

Lately, it hasn't been the sewing, the screenwriting, the costume-creating, that has been dominating my thoughts.  Of course, I've thought about those things a whole lot -- but what's been persistently on my mind is God, and people.  Which is actually awesome, now that I really think about it.

But, it's been tough, see.  It's because I've been lonely.

How could someone be lonely while seeing so many people every day, you ask?  Because of fear, disconnect, rejection... Some days are so much better than others, when I feel connected and alive and happy -- but other days are really, really isolating.  Yeah, well, like today.

Today, I felt isolated.

Isolation hurts my soul, because, yes, I am extroverted.  I'm also guarded, shy, fearful.  So many things swirl inside my head, things that no one ever hears because I "know" they don't care to hear them.  I'm scared of what people will think of me and of how people will respond to me.

I can talk so big, but when the rubber meets the road, I'm a coward.

Nowadays, rarely do I say what I want to say.  Funny things, opinionated things, encouraging things -- just the usual candid conversation.  I feel like I'm just bad at that, though.  I feel like so many things I say are so seriously stupid -- so why would I ever try to say more??

That's my problem.

I care too much about what people think of me, and it's hindering my ability to make friends and influence people.  I know for a fact that I'm cutting myself off more so than others are cutting me off.  And I don't want to, because, truly, I love people so much.

I mean, what's more important than God and humans?

My heart is heavy from college life, and I could use a lift.  My dear family and you dear internet friends are really the only genuine human encouragement I feel these days.  You guys say, even without words, "You're really awesome, you encourage me, I hope I encourage you, and I'm so glad you're in my life."

Thank you so, so much for that.

But at school, I suppose I just gotta keep trusting God, that He'll lead me through the loneliness -- whether that's out, or even further in.  Thank God I don't have to overcome this alone, and that, even if I never do become truly "un-isolated" in college, I've got Him to pull me through.

A theme song for Week 13:

My Own Character Development / The Eleventh

Beatsheet format today to show the pretty cool story of last week (God is the greatest author ever, dontcha know??).

Hello dear friends.

Opening Image: Last week, and particularly last weekend, was wonderful.  Okay, I lied.  Last week was not completely wonderful.

The Setup/Break Into Two: The first part of the week was kinda boring and I low-key wanted to quit my job (yes the one I haven't even had for two months yet), because I was sick of not having time to do all the fun things I wanted to do.

Fun and Games: But Tuesday was still a fun day, as I got to have lunch with some friends from screenwriting, and chat with them and some others before class.

Midpoint: Then, halfway through the school week I came down with a cold -- AGAIN.  And just as I was starting to get back to being joyful.  I had a terrible attitude about it, and was mad at God for making me deal with that again so soon (you know how it goes).

Dark Night of the Soul: So Thursday I did some sulking -- mostly over the cold deal, but also subconsciously over lack of positive social interaction aaand the existence of some negative interactions that day at school.

Break Into Three: Like I said though, my week really was wonderful -- the "wonderful" part just didn't start until Thursday evening, by God fixing my attitude concerning my current daily life (due in part to a conversation with my oldest sister Alissa).  But I still wanted to quit my job, and I was still without a whole lotta joy, aaaand I was still sick.

Finale: The next day, Friday, promised a wonderful treat: earlier in the week, Paris, one of you amazing people who follow the writings of my convoluted life, reached out, saying she was coming to CFAW here at LU, and asking if we could connect over the weekend!!  Well, of course, I immediately agreed, and we made plans for her to come to my classes and eat lunch with me on Friday.  We also ended up going to the Rend Collective concert together that evening (which was absolutely faaaantaaaastic and I seriously love them so much), as well as the fashion show Saturday evening (which was absolutely amazing and I can't wait to be a part of it next year)!!

Finale (cont): Anyway, Friday and Saturday came and went, and I had the most fantastic time with Paris.  It might seem like it was me who was all unselfish and sweet -- but honestly, I think I might have had more fun being all hospitable and hanging out with her than she did hanging with me (;D).  So, dear, it was such a joy to meet and hang out and fangirl with you, and again, thank you so so much for reaching out.  I'm excited to stay in touch and see where God leads you!!

Final Image: And the finale of the week, in my daily perusal of my Bloglovin' feed, I saw this article: "Six Ways God's at Work in You - At Work", from the fantastic and always inspiring/convicting Desiring God blog.

Finale Image (cont): K God.  Thank u.  I think I get it now.  I think I know now I'm where I'm supposed to be, here in this job, and I know I want to serve you better in it.  Thanks for the joy, I needed it.  Thanks for the confidence boost -- I needed that too.  And thanks especially for taking the trouble to work on my character development -- you know I need it.

Yes.  I'm ready for the 12th Week now.

~          ~          ~

P.S. EVIE!!!  That's a shout out to Evie.  Long overdue.  Y'see, we got to skype each other two weeks ago, and it was so so so fun, and she gave a shout out on HER BLOG, but I didn't on MY BLOG.  Which was upsetting.  So, dear Evie, thanks for that skype call.  It literally made my day.  Gotta do it again soon, k?? ;)

Finding the Spiritual in 5 TØP Songs

I hope you won't mind that I'm deviating from the uuz of "what happened this week" posts, and that you will enjoy this introspective post concerning twenty one pilots instead...

Last May, twenty one pilots happened (again), and, thanks to Faith, I caught on to their undefinable music and joined the clique. So, today, I'd like to share five (in honor of the fifth week of my 2nd semester of college) of my favorite twenty one pilots songs, and the underlying, spiritual nuances that make these songs mean so much to me.  I hope you're encouraged by the following words as much as I always am.

1. Addict With a Pen.

Ever since the very first time I heard it, I recognized this song had captured the essence of my soul, the very essence of my relationship with my maker. Failure, realization, recommission. Void, craving, fulfillment. Pain, balm, healing. A cycle that can only truly be completed in death, the ending to our life of struggle and the beginning of our life of peace.

I try desperately to run through the sand

As I hold the water

In the palm of my hand

Cause it's all that I have

And it's all that I need and

The waves of the water

Mean nothing to me

But I try my best

And all that I can to

Hold tightly onto

What's left in my hand

But no matter how

How tightly I will strain

The sand will slow me down

And the water will drain

I'm just being dramatic

In fact,

I'm only at it again

As an addict with a pen

Who's addicted to the wind

As it blows me back and forth

Mindless, spineless, and pretend

Of course I'll be here again

See you tomorrow

But it's the end of today

End of my ways

As a walking denial

My trial was filed as a crazy

Suicidal head case

But you specialize in dying

You hear me screaming

Father

And I'm lying here just crying

So wash me with your water.

2. March to the Sea.

It wasn't until more recently that it spoke to me -- in the context of my morning walks to class. As I join the throngs of students, I always imagine myself as falling in line in that march to the sea. But I also remember that I am not an idle marcher. I've heard the voice inside my head, saying, "follow Me instead." I am in my place, but now I am marching for my maker.

Then out of the corner of my eye

I see a spaceship in the sky

And hear a voice inside my head:

Follow me instead

Then the wages of war will start

Inside my head with my counterpart

And the emotionless marchers will chant the phrase:

This line's the only way

And then I start down the sand

My eyes are focused on the end of land

But again the voice inside my head says,

Follow me instead

Take me up, seal the door

I don't want to march here anymore

I realize that this line is dead

So I'll follow You instead

So then You put me back in my place

So I might start another day

And once again I will be

In a march to the sea.

Bonus Meanings:

No one looks up anymore

'Cause you might get a raindrop in your eye

And Heaven forbid they see you cry

As we fall in line.

3. Semi-Automatic.

I was confused by it at first -- until I realized just how telling of me this song really is. I've been diagnosed with soul schizophrenia, 'cause I'm all twisted up inside. How often I do not do what I want to do, but what I hate. But, again, this condition is inescapable. Every human is born with soul schizophrenia, and we must simply do our best to live on, live on, live on.

I'm never what I like,

I'm double sided,

and I just can't hide,

I kind of like it

when I make you cry,

'Cause I'm twisted up,

I'm twisted up inside

I'm semi-automatic,

my prayer's schizophrenic,

But I'll live on;

I'll live on;

I'll live on.

4. Holding On to You.

Meanings, meanings, it is full of, which I didn't discover until I truly studied and pondered the lyrics of this song.  The part I always appreciated was the "bonus meanings" I added at the end of these lyrics, but really, the heart of this song is the following exposition of the struggle between flesh and soul. But further still than that, between soul and Maker...

I'm taking over my body,

Back in control,

no more shotty,

I bet a lot of me was lost,

T's uncrossed and I's undotted,

I fought it a lot

And it seems a lot

Like flesh is all I got,

Not anymore,

Flesh out the door,

Swat

I must've forgot,

you can't trust me,

I'm open a moment and close when you show it,

Before you know it,

I'm lost at sea,

And now that I write and think about it,

And the story unfolds,

You should take my life,

You should take my soul

You are surrounding

all my surroundings,

Sounding down the mountain range

of my left-side brain,

You are surrounding

all my surroundings,

Twisting the kaleidoscope

behind both of my eyes

And I'll be holding on to you.

Bonus meanings:

When we gonna stop with it,

Lyrics that mean nothing,

We were gifted with thought

Is it time to move our feet

To an introspective beat,

It ain't the speakers that bump hearts,

It's our hearts that make the beat.

5. Doubt.

It struck a chord within me the second time I listened to this song, when I caught the words, "I'm no good without You" -- because isn't that just the truth.  On and on the lyrics go, laying bare insecurity and uncertainty... but in between, the rambling is punctuated by a call for help, an S.O.S. begging for mercy, for strength, for love.  The daily cry of our hearts.

Scared of my own image,

Scared of my own immaturity,

Scared of my own ceiling,

Scared I'll die of uncertainty,

Fear might be the death of me,

Fear leads to anxiety,

Don't know what's inside of me

Don't forget about me,

Don't forget about me,

Even when I doubt you,

I'm no good without you,

no, no, no, no.

Temperature is dropping,

Temperature is dropping,

I'm not sure if I can

See this ever stopping,

Shaking hands with the

Dark parts of my thoughts, no,

You are all that I've got, no

Don't forget about me,

Don't forget about me,

Even when I doubt you,

I'm no good without you,

no, no, no, no.

Gnawing on the bishops,

Claw our way up their system,

Repeating simple phrases,

Someone holy insisted,

I want the markings

Made on my skin,

To mean something to me again,

Hope you haven't left without me

Hope you haven't left without me, please

Don't forget about me,

Don't forget about me,

Even when I doubt you,

I'm no good without you,

no, no, no, no.

What twenty one pilots song is your favorite/means the most to you??

10: #Trails2Rails, Cosplaying, Sewing, & Wisdom

The tenth week of college has come and gone, and what a wonderful week it has been...

A few drop outs, a text, a squeal, and next thing I know, I'm a member of the official Trails 2 Rails off-campus snowboarding team, and set to compete November 12th in the games.  Can I just say, I am beyond stoked about this turn of events???  I'm literally so psyched.  But now it's time to up my game and start getting some tricks down before show time in 2 weeks... :D

I cosplayed all day at school on Friday.  As gender-bent Captain America.  And it rocked.  I got tons of awkward stares of disbelief / confusion / fear, but also so many comments and compliments, plus a few lengthy conversations.  All the geeks come out of the woodwork when Captain America walks by, obviously. ;D

This wasn't from today; you can actually go here to see the other
pics from this photoshoot. :)

Things are finally starting to amp up in FACS 222, sewing class!  We're all set to begin our apparel project on Monday: pajama pants.  I went to Joann yesterday with a classmate, and we had a fun time sorting out confusing pattern notions and laughing over odd prints.  In the end, I came home with McCall's 4244, some 1-inch wide elastic, and 2.75 yds of an ADORABLE flannel print:

And lastly, I want to share with you a little gift God gave me.

So, I've been struggling with the honors philosophy class I'm taking.  And one assignment in particular has completely stumped me: a paper due Wednesday.  I read and re-read the section we were supposed to discuss, and still couldn't figure out what the "central issue" was.  I emailed my professor a few times, but he wasn't helpful, and was quite explicit that I needed to figure it out on my own.

I was stressing.  My mental capacity was just not good enough to figure this out.

And then it hit me: pray.  So, I did just that.  I put into words the fact that I needed His help, that I couldn't do this without Him, and asked Him for wisdom.  Then, after working on the paper a bit, I decided to formulate one last email to send to my professor, presenting a final idea that I thought might be that "central issue."  As I thought through the email,  I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me: the question of what justice, rights, and laws are grounded in.

Oh YES, of course! That makes sense!

Buuuuut, how could I be 100% sure this was the elusive central issue?  I was still unsure.  So, I sent the e-mail, shoved the paper from my mind, and went shopping. Came home, and there was the moment of truth, sitting in my inbox.  I spoke a last-minute prayer, and opened the message: "Yes, in my opinion that is the most important point of the chapter, and in a philosophical sense, I think it is the central point. Well done!"

I could do nothing but thank God for His provision.

What I lacked in intelligence, He more than made up for.  He gifted me with the wisdom I needed, at the moment I needed it, for the project I needed it for.  It was such an amazing moment.  You know that verse, Philippians 4:19?  "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."  Let me tell you this: God wants you to come to Him for help, because He wants you to succeed in your efforts.

Don't be satisfied with your own mediocre attempts.  Let God infuse you with His power, and then show the world what GOD can do!

9th - A Revelaton Concerning Revelation

This week, I'd simply like to share with you a huge revelation that my dad and I had Friday night.  It began as just a family gathering to read a passage of the Bible, but my dad chose 1st Thessalonians 4, which set off an intensive study sesh to get to the bottom of the question: "When will Christians be raptured in relation to the great tribulation?"

Go grab your Bible, and come figure out this question with me through the Holy Spirit's power.  Please, please, please spend the time to read these passages thoroughly so you can really understand what I'm getting at -- don't just blindly accept what I'm saying, or discredit it because you believe something else. :)

First, read 1st Thessalonians 4:13-18.

Continue on through chapter 5, verses 1-3.

Next, we need to read Matthew 24:3-21 and 29-33.

And lastly, we get to the connective tissue, the meat of the issue: Revelation 6:12-17, 7:9, 13-17.

Now let's dig into what these passages mean.

Take another look at the second passage we read, Matthew 24:29, the "key clue":

"But immediately after the tribulation of those days the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light, and the stars will fall from the sky, and the powers of the heavens will be shaken."

Now look at the passage in Revelation 6:12-13a:

"I looked when He broke the sixth seal, and there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth made of hair, and the whole moon became like blood; and the stars of the sky fell to the earth..."

The sun darkened, moon darkened in a different way, and stars falling to earth -- the passages match up exactly!!!  The events are even listed in the same order.  And there are so many other similarities which I don't have time to discuss (but you should look into!).  From these explicit similarities, we can know that Jesus is speaking of the same event as that 6th seal.

Now GET THIS.  The SIXTH SEAL.  That is part way into the tribulation!  Why do you think people have different views regarding when Christians will be raptured?  Because there is evidence for both sides, pre-trib and post-trib.  The funny thing is, I firmly believe the truth is neither.

We will be raptured after the 6th seal and before the 7th (when God pours out his full wrath on the earth).

Look again at what happens in Revelation 7:9,13-17:

"After these things I looked, and behold, a great multitude which no one could count...standing before the throne and before the Lamb... And [one of the elders] said to me, “These are the ones who come out of the great tribulation..."

"These things" being the events of the 6th seal -- so where do you think that great multitude who came out of the great tribulation came from???  Just where Jesus says in Matthew 24:31:

"And He will send forth His angels with a great trumpet and they will gather together His elect from the four winds, from one end of the sky to the other."

Are you comprehending this?  It's so hard to explain it accurately.  I hope at least this makes sense to you: that the rapture will occur DIRECTLY AFTER THE 6TH SEAL OF REVELATION IS OPENED.  This means we will endure the first 6 seals, if we are alive then.  Yes, we will go through part of the tribulation, HOWEVER, we won't go through ALL of it, or any of the Great Tribulation.  This is because God does not pour out his wrath on His children.  Just as He showed when He dealt with Sodom and Gomorrah, He won't destroy a city containing even one righteous person.  We will deal with tribulation, but we WILL NOT FACE GOD'S WRATH.

So, what does this mean for us Christians, as we look towards the impending great tribulation?

We will face the first 6 seals (read Revelation 6 to look at these in detail): the reveal of the antichrist, war, famine, death, persecution of Christians, and natural terrors.  After these things, and only after these things, will we Christians be caught up to the Lord in the air.  But our rapture isn't the same event as the 2nd coming of Christ!  Christ's second coming doesn't occur until the Battle of Armageddon, which you can read about in Revelation 19:11 onward.

I'll just end with 1st Thessalonians 4:16-17.  Take heart in these words, and look forward to the day when we are united with Christ -- it is close!

"For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord."